This American Life | Christmas Comedy Special | Podcast Date: 12-19-2010

To listen to the podcast from which this transcript was typed, go here.

Ira Glass: Hey there, podcast listeners. It's Ira Glass and I will be very brief here before the show. We've had a year of very ambitious shows here at This American Life: an Iraq show that sent two reporters into the country for a month, the most expensive thing we have ever done, a story that took us inside this Tea Party chapter in Michigan in a way that I think few reporters have, with amazingly frank interviews, the investigation into Magnetar, which included its own original Broadway show tune, the NUMMI show, which was this kind of history story, a sort of real-life fable about the fall of the car business that took months, if you can imagine, of tracking down GM workers and managers from this car plant in the 1980s. And we did all kinds of episodes where we tried things that we have never heard of anybody trying, truthfully, on the radio or podcast or anywhere, things that we did just for fun like the Georgia Rambler show, like the show that was all stories that our parents pitched. If you like having this stuff in your life, we pay for it with the system that we think is very, very fair where people who like the shows chip in a couple bucks, $5, $10. You are more than paying your fair share of the costs. $20 or more, all I can say is, “We love you! Thank you! We will put your money to good use,” and it's tax deductible. So go to thisamericanlife.org or if right this second you pull out your phone and you text TAL to the number 25383, you're sending us $10 and it's done. Message and data rates may apply. Again, TAL to the number 25383, or again the website, thisamericanlife.org. This week's show is another thing that we have never tried before that we just thought, okay, let's go for this. It came out really nicely. I hope you enjoy it.

(Narration)

Ira Glass: Everybody knows the holidays can be stressful, and so with the holidays upon us we thought, “You know what would be nice? An hour of jokes. Let's do an hour of holiday jokes.” But reflecting on this for about 10 seconds made us realize there's actually no such thing. Think about it for a second. What is your favorite Christmas joke, right? Even kids, who love Christmas and love jokes, do not have Christmas jokes. To be sure this was true, we actually ran a scientific test this week where we asked a group of kids to tell us their favorite Christmas joke.

(Interview)

Child 1: Okay, I don't really know one. Can they go first?

(Narration)

Ira Glass: One of our producers, Jonathan Menjivar, went to the playground at New York's PS 11 asking third graders for Christmas jokes. While none of them knew any Christmas jokes, it turns out that all of them were willing on the spot -apparently, any third grader will do this- they were willing to make up Christmas jokes.

(Interview)

Child 2: Why did the reindeer cross the road?

Jonathan: I don't know. Why?

Child 2: To get to the – to get to the – to get to the horn station.

(Narration)

Ira Glass: You know, the horn station.

(Interview)

Jonathan: The horn? What's a horn station?

Child 2: Where they get new horns.

Children: Oh, that makes sense. Sort of.

(Narration)

Ira Glass: I don't know if you could hear that. One of the kids in the background goes, “That makes sense,” and everyone then agrees.

(Interview)

Jonathan: I'm not sure I understand.

Child 2: Because reindeers have horns and then they need new horns.

Child 3: And then sometimes, reindeers, if they get their antlers broke off they grow back in, but in this joke they go to a store.

(Narration)

Ira Glass: Here's another one.

(Interview)

Child 4: There was a chicken that's like running around crazy on Christmas eve, and then Santa came, [and the chicken] was like, “Hey Santa, can I go on?” Santa is like, “You can get on the deer, but not on my head.”

Why does Santa get married with a skinny woman?

(Narration)

Ira Glass: Yeah, I feel like the setup is often the best part of these jokes, “Why does Santa get married to a skinny woman?”

(Interview)

Jonathan: I don't know.

Child 4: Because Santa feels bad that he's so fat and she's so skinny, and he wants to see somebody that's skinny.

(Narration)

Ira Glass: I'm glad to say, though, that some of the jokes the kids made up on the spot did actually have the structure of real jokes and worked as real jokes with punchlines that actually made actual sense.

(Interview)

Child 5: Why didn't Santa deliver the presents?

Jonathan: I don't know.

Child 5: Because it wasn't Christmas.

(Narration)

Ira Glass: Okay, this next one was told to Jonathan by a little kid who first explained that they don't celebrate Christmas, they celebrate Hannukah with the Hannukah menorah and all that.

(Interview)

Child 6: What does the Christmas tree say to the menorah?

Jonathan: I don't know.

Child 6: He says you don't have decorations like me; I'm more popular than you.

(Narration)

Ira Glass: It's funny because it's true. Jonathan truthfully wasn't sure what to say to this little Jewish kid about that joke.

(Interview)

Jonathan: Wow! The Christmas tree is mean.

Child 6: The Christmas tree is mean, but the menorah actually has good intelligence.

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Top 5 Bleak Endings | The Film Vault Summary

Bryan: Anderson and I were looking at the list of our downloads and they're all pretty consistent except, for some reason, top five sex scenes – way above and beyond.

Anderson: It spikes.

Bryan: Yeah, it spikes way, way above. We're like, wow, there must be – well, you said, Anderson.

Anderson: I said there's a lot of pervs out there and I think they might just peruse the Internet, and anything that says sex in the title they give a shot.

Bryan: Bingo. Hence, when we thought of top five bleak endings, which I thought was a very fun idea. I thought that might be a tough sell and I thought let's just throw a "sexy" in there.

Summary: This is the run-down of The Film Vault's Top 5 Sexiest Bleak Endings from podcast hosts, Bryan Bishop and Anderson Cowan.

To listen to the podcast that this list came from, go here.

To read the full transcript of this podcast, go here.

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Top 5 Holiday Films | The Film Vault Summary

To listen to the podcast that this list came from, go here.
To read the transcript for the podcast, go here.

This is the run-down of The Film Vault's top five holiday films from podcast hosts, Bryan and Anderson. Click the read more link to jump over to the full page for the summary of their lists and trailers for each movie.

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Bill Burr Monday Morning Podcast | Date: 12-20-2010

Bill Burr's Monday Morning Podcast | Episode Date: 12-20-2010

Host: Bill Burr

Podcast Website

Bill Burr's Upcoming Events

(Andy Williams - It's the Holiday Season)

Bill Burr: It's the song!

Bill (singing): Bapa-do-boo in your f*cking c*nt, Christmas f*cking trees, oobie-doobie.

Bill Burr: See, that's the f*cking song I was trying to remember from last week, and I want to thank all the podcast listeners for letting me know that was Andy Williams. Happy holidays/the holiday season. It's not until the second verse where he goes hooptie-doo and humpty dump and stick up a sock up a f*cking crazy twat. See? Exactly how I said it, and then they had those f*cking women in the background, oobie-doobie-doobie-bop-bop-boo. You're telling me you couldn't write a f*cking song back then? I mean, Jesus Christ Maybe because it's so simple. It sounds so simple that you think you could do it. I don't know. Anyways, it is – f*ck. Why did I play that? Now I'm going to be singing that the whole god damn podcast again. I don't like to repeat myself, at least not on purpose. What's going on? It's Bill Burr. It is the Monday morning podcast for Monday, December 20th.

Bill (imitating whiny stay-at-home mom): Oh my god, only five more days until Christmas. I only have half –

Bill Burr: Shut up, you f*cking – All right, I'm not even this angry this week. I'm just trying to figure out how I'm going to situate myself on the bed. I don't want to put my laptop in my lap, you know what I mean? Why would you? Why won't you put it in your lap? It's called a laptop. This is why. Because it gives off radiation and I like my balls! I think the Illuminati came up with the laptop, and they know we're too stupid to stick it exactly where they want us to put it so they can thin out the f*cking heard. So they go, with their evil voices:

Bill (Imitating evil Illuminati): Why don't we just call it a laptop? We call it the laptop, they put it in their lap, and they f*cking die, the infidels.

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Who Charted? | Podcast Date: 12-7-2010

Who Charted? - Episode 1

Presented by Earwolf

Host: Howard Kremer

Chart Keeper/Co-Host: Kulap Vilaysack

Guest: Steve Agee

Chart Summary

Kulap: It's time for Who Charted. We'll be taking aim at the top charters in music, movies, TV and more. Here's your host, Howard Kremer.

Howard: Hey there, everybody. Here we are. Maiden voyage of Who Charted. It's exciting. I'm glad to be here. Let's say hi to our resident keeper of the charts, Kulap. How you doing, Kulap?

Kulap: I'm real good. So happy to be here.

Howard: It's great, right?

Kulap: Mhm. Thank you for having me.

Howard: I'm glad you're here, adding to the party. We've got Doug on the ones and twos. Why don't we say hi to our first guest ever on Who Charted, Mr. Steve Agee.

Steve: Hello, Howard and Kulap, how are you guys?

Howard: We're doing good.

Kulap: Oh, so good.

Howard: You know Steve from The Sarah Silverman Program and so many other comedy video productions.

Steve: You knew Steve from The Sarah Silverman Program.

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Doug Loves Movies | Podcast Date: 12-17-2010 | Guests: Howard Kremer, Paul Scheer, Drew Droege

Doug Loves Movies - Episode 331

Host: Doug Benson

Guests: Howard Kremer, Paul Scheer, Drew Droege

(Advertisement)

Doug: Today's show is brought to you by Audible. Please visit Audible. Am I saying it so that you can tell what word that is, or am I saying (garbled speech)? Audiblepodcast.com/dlm - DLM as in Doug Loves Movies – for your free audiobook download. And now, enjoy the show.

(Doug Loves Movies intro theme song)

Doug: Hey everybody, my name is Doug and I love movies. This is Doug Loves Movies coming to you from Earwolf Studios in Hollywood, so you might hear some sirens in the background because there's a lot of siren activity in the Hollywood area. Before I introduce my guests, my in-studio guests, a few things. First of all, the Comedy Death-Ray auctions have closed, and the winner of my two auctions are: Sean Sackamay [sp?]. He won the opportunity to be a guest on this very podcast in the future and help me select who the other guests will be on that episode, and the guy who won the other one, Eric Cupo, he and I will see a movie together. He lives in Wayne, New Jersey. He's going to come into Manhattan, though, and see a movie with me, so that worked out pretty good. Those guys bid $1,680 and $2,275 for those opportunities. I agreed to match up to 1,000 on one and up to 2,000 on the other, so that means I owe $2,680 and it's all going to LA Food Bank, which is a great cause that Comedy Death-Ray supports. I had a great time in Tampa last weekend. We played the Leonard Maltin Game Sunday night. It took three challengers to beat Graham Elwood, and then they beat him to death, so rest in peace Graham Elwood. New York this weekend. I'm going to be at the Gramercy Theater at 4:20 doing the Marijuanalogues, which one of my guests at one time was a fill-in performer in that, and then at 8:00 I'm taping a very special podcast with very special guests. Taping a podcast in New York. Everyone is always begging me to do it. Now I am, so come and see it. Livenation.com or Ticketmaster.com for tickets. I'm going to be at the Irvine Improv December 26th, the San Francisco Punchline December 28th and 29th, West Palm Beach Improv New Year's Eve. Tickets as low as $25 to get into that. January 1st we're going to do a show, which is weird, and that's only going to be $20 to get into. Friday night, on Comedy Central, that's tonight, probably, listen to it but also watch it, The Benson Interruption with TJ Miller, Adam Carolla, and Graham Elwood. Holy shit. That was a lot of business.

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The Film Vault | Podcast Date: 12-17-2010 | Top 5 Holiday Movies

The Film Vault

Hosts: Bryan Bishop and Anderson Cowan

Podcast Episode: 135 - Top 5 Holiday Films

Jump to Top 5 Holiday Films Summary

Bryan: Hey-hey, Film Vault!

Anderson: So much cheer, Bryan.

Bryan: Anderson over there, Bryan Bishop here. We're your hosts. Thank you for joining us. Thank you for joining not just us, but one of the top podcasts on all of iTunes 2010. Thank you very much. This will not be the last time I mention it. This will be the first of many.

Anderson: Are you going to be the one that whores it out like a whore?

Bryan: Fucking-a right.

Anderson: Like a whore.

Bryan: This is some wonderful validation.

Anderson: Is it? Okay, so yeah, apparently we were named Top 25 New Podcasts of the Year.

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Movie Gnomes

I thought I would share this in my sick down time since a lot of visitors have come over to read the transcripts for Doug Loves Movies and The Film Vault. Sure, Amazon might say that this book is only worth a penny in some people's eyes, but it's held a special place in my heart ever since I picked it up at Goodwill. I wouldn't part with this wonderful piece of cinematic history for less than three bucks. Oh, if only I had a better camera so you could enjoy this book in all of its glory.

From Gnome Pictures

From Gnome Pictures

From Gnome Pictures

From Gnome Pictures

Bill Burr Monday Morning Podcast | Date: 12-13-2010

Bill Burr Monday Morning Podcast | 12-13-2010

Host: Bill Burr

It's the holiday season, doobie-doobie-doooo! Who sings that song? What's up? It's Bill Burr. It's the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, December 13th, 2010. How the hell are you? I've had that f**king song in my head. I heard it on the radio in the grocery store, you know? I was going in there to go buy a ham, some glazed gelatinous sh*t, right? And I was in there and there was this song on the speakers there in the ceiling of the grocery store that I just mentioned I was at, if you forgot already. I'm driving around, I've got this big f**king ham sitting in my grocery cart, and through the speakers there's this guy. It sounded like it was from maybe the '50s. You know it's the holiday season, doobie-doobie-doo. I can't remember if he went doobie-doobie-doo or that's just how I remember hearing it. I'm trying to give you more lyrics because I've got to know the name of this song because I want to download it. I want to drive around LA in 80 degree weather on Christmas with a stupid look on my face, listening to that song. How did the rest of it go? It’s the holiday season, doobie-doobie-doo, and you stick a candy cane in your c*nt – something like that. I can't remember. You know how that is.

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The Film Vault | Podcast Date: 12-10-2010 | Top Five Sexiest Bleak Endings

The Film Vault -134

Hosts: Bryan Bishop and Anderson Cowan

Jump to Top Five Sexiest Bleak Endings Summary

Bryan: Yeah, Film Vault! That's Anderson. I'm Bryan Bishop. We're your hosts. Today's episode: Top 5 bleak endings. Now, the description may have said top five sexiest bleak endings, so let's address this right away.

Anderson: Mine are sexy, buddy.

Bryan: That's funny you mention that. To date, our most downloaded episode by far has been what, Anderson?

Anderson: I can't remember.

Bryan: Anderson.

Anderson: What was it?

Bryan: Top five sex scenes.

Anderson: Oh yeah, sex scenes. I was thinking it was sexy badass bitches.

Bryan: Anderson and I were looking at the list of our downloads and they're all pretty consistent except, for some reason, top five sex scenes – way above and beyond.

Anderson: It spikes.

Bryan: Yeah, it spikes way, way above. We're like, wow, there must be – well, you said, Anderson.

Anderson: I said there's a lot of pervs out there and I think they might just peruse the Internet, and anything that says sex in the title they give a shot.

Bryan: Bingo. Hence, when we thought of top five bleak endings, which I thought was a very fun idea.  I thought that might be a tough sell and I thought let's just throw a "sexy" in there.

Read more »

Doug Loves Movies | Podcast Date: 12-10-10 | Guests: Edgar Wright, Kieran Culkin and Anna Kendrick

Doug Loves Movies Podcast 330

Host: Doug Benson

Guests: Edgar Wright, Kieran Culkin, Anna Kendrick

(Doug Loves Movies Theme Song)

Doug Benson: Hey everybody. My name is Doug and I love movies. That was Garfunkel & Oates with the holiday version of the Doug Loves Movies song. It's December 7^th, 2010, and we are coming to you from the UCB Theatre in LA in front of a live audience full of name tags. We have name tags. Everyone is doing this kind of hip thing where they bring a name tag and then they hold it up when the time comes instead of walking around like a nerd with a name tag on, and then they brought the house lights up for me; this is crazy. So Matthew is here and the guy in a Flux shirt named Gordon. Ricky is here. What, is that from the Arclight?

Josh (audience member): Yeah.

Doug Benson: Josh, from the Arclight, when you work at the Arclight they let you put one movie on your tag, and I always look when I go to the movies. They're always like what's your movie, and his movie of all the movies – you get to name one -- Oh, you have two different badges?

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This American Life 421 | Last Man Standing | Podcast Date: 12-5-2010

This American Life: Last Man Standing Podcast

(Advertisement)

This podcast of This American Life is brought to you by Audible.com. For a free audio book of your choice, including audio books by David Sedaris, Sarah Vowell, John Hodgeman, or 10 other contributors to This American Life, go to Audible.com/american.

(Narration)

Ira Glass: Okay, imagine for a second what it would be like to have the entire country have one opinion about something and you were the only person who disagreed out of the entire country. This pretty much happened to the woman who I'm about to introduce you to. She was a juror in the criminal trial of Rod Blagojevich. You may remember Blagojevich, governor of Illinois. When Barack Obama became president, Blagojevich was caught on tape talking on the phone about how he might use Obama's Senate seat for his own personal profit.

(Recording of Blagojevich Phone Call)

Blagojevich: I've got this thing, and it's f**cking golden, and I'm just not giving it up for f**cking nothing.

(Narration)

Ira Glass: When the tapes became public, Blagojevich did the kind of media blitz that did not seem to win many people over. He squirmed on talk shows, he appeared as a contestant on The Apprentice. Here he is about to get fired by Donald Trump.

(Recording from The Apprentice)

Donald Trump: Your Harry Potter facts were not accurate. Who did the research?

Blagojevich: There was not a specific direction to do the research on Harry Potter, but the inability to learn the product, and it was an issue in the –

Donald Trump: Was that their inability or your inability?

Blagojevich: I suppose I should have directed everybody else to learn the product.

(Narration)

Ira Glass: And so most of us who saw him on TV decided that guy is guilty, and then the case went to trial, seven weeks. The jury deliberated for 14 days after that, 6 men, 6 women, 24 counts against the governor. The jury could only agree on one count: lying to the FBI. They convicted him on that one. It was split with a handful of not guilty votes in various configurations on the 23 other counts. Now on the charge that everybody was the most interested in, selling the Senate seat, that was the one charge where the vote was 11 to 1, 11 to 1. The holdout? A 67-year-old grandmother, Joanne Chiakulas, who says that, yes, the jury did know that the people of America wanted this guy convicted.

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Hopefully, you will be able to find any and all answers about Podcast Transcripts and me below. If you have any further questions or concerns then please leave a comment at the bottom of this page, reach me at the email address castscripts@gmail.com.

FAQ

1. What is the purpose of a podcast transcript?
2. Why are there only a few podcasts with transcripts?
3. How can I contact you?
4. How can I request a transcription of a podcast or other audio content?
5. Can I use your transcriptions on my podcast site?
6. How do I get a transcript of my podcast removed?

What is the purpose of a podcast transcript?

I feel that podcasts are currently providing some of the greatest, most original content of our time due to the very low production costs and the freedom on the Internet which allows all of the infinite styles of podcast content to be shared with a wide range of people virtually instantaneously. However, a problem occurs when you bring in the idea of getting people to find this fresh, new podcast content. As of now, audio can't be searched by Google, and so the vast array of topics and in-depth discussion on podcasts is lost in the audio waves. For example, consider a podcast episode of This American Life titled NUMMI. This podcast was an excellent show that explored the inner workings of a joint venture between GM and Toyota in a car manufacturing plant. This podcast was over an hour long, filled with great information, interviews, and anecdotes about the manufacturing plant and the people that worked there. As you can tell from the link to the episode, its description is a mere six sentences. It's This American Life, which has quite an established fan base, so it all works out. Even I was bored when I found out what that week's show was going to be, but I stuck in there because I'm an avid listener of the podcast. However, if an Average Joe ever finds this episode, with a title that appears to be nonsensical (even though it's just the initials of the manufacturing plant) and a shallow, boring description then they are most likely just going to pass it up. An hour feels like a lot of time these days, and most people aren't going to chance it on a podcast detailing car manufacturing. In comparison, a complete transcription of this podcast allows:

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Another more detrimental issue is that those who are hard of hearing or suffer from being completely deaf do not have access to podcast content at all. There are no subtitles or closed captioning systems in place which allow them to experience the same podcasts that so many of us are able to enjoy just by hitting a play button. It may seem like this group may be fairly small, but the CDC estimates that 12.5% of children and adolescents aged 6–19 years and 17% of adults aged 20–69 years have suffered permanent damage to their hearing from excessive exposure to noise. That works out to a total of over 31 million people with hearing damage just from noise, and does not even take into consideration those born with hearing difficulties. As I hope I've made clear, I love podcasts, and I hope that this site can help make them more accessible to everyone, including those that aren't able to listen.

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Why are there only a few podcasts with transcripts?

The first podcast transcript didn't go up until December 12th, 2010. I only feel comfortable guaranteeing podcast transcripts for This American Life and The Adam Carolla Show podcast as I know those will fit into my schedule, but my only limit on typing transcripts for more shows is time. As I have more of that time then I will be expanding to include more podcasts in the future. There are a large number of podcasts that I would like to include personally, more that people have suggested to me, and even some good ole fashioned radio shows that are further down on the list too.

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Request a Podcast Transcript

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